Higher Than a Kite

This past Saturday, I was invited to a "1992" party by my favorite bitch, Wet and Cold bitch (to Sierra and Dirty Bitch, if you're reading this, you're secretly my favorite bitches too, don't tell Wet and Cold).
First of all, 1992? Seriously, would a 1990's party hurt? Why specifically 1992? What did I wear in 1992? What was hot in 1992? What did people do in 1992? I started high school that year and I sure, like all youz, that was a time you'd most like to forget.
I mean, did I really want to remember that I had glasses thicker than McDonald's triple thick milkshakes? Did I really want to remember that all my clothes were hand-me-downs, namely my SLIM-FIT jeans with wicked animal patchwork fresh from Hong Kong that used to belong to my sister which I did the tuck and roll at the bottom? I rolled my pants like a professional Mexican burrito chef. Tuck...roll, roll, roll... Did I really want to remember that I made up my first boyfriend in grade 8 just so I didn't seem like a prude? (To all my highschool buddies reading this, please disregard... I REPEAT...DISREGARD!!! Did I really want to remember that I used to be the "cool-wanna-be's"?

OMG, I was a geek! I'm depressed now...

On the other hand, if it were a 1990's party, I could have showcased my "cameleon" days which spanned from being a geek, to "Blossom", to Blossom's brother Joey, to a man with long hair, to a butch with short hair, to an astronaut with a silver shiny pleather jacket. Please don't judge me, this was in the past. It's time to let go.

So 1992 it is. How do I dress up? What do I dress up in? Having recently move, I had little amount of clothes as it is. Trust me, I am Vancouver's shopaholic, I have truckloads of clothes. I can open a small store from my bedroom. I have clothes with the price tags still on. But what good is it, when I don't own what I'm looking for? So this was the perfect excuse to go shopping!

A visit to our local Value Village was in order. Since the store was closing in less than half an hour, we performed a task only professional shoppers should perform. Speed Shopping (my specialty). In less than 20 minutes, I put together a perfect outfit. A white bodysuit like top paired with a black pleather crop buttondown vest and a denim blue and white pinstrip PLEATED pair of baggy slim fit bottom jeans. Picture MC Hammer sh*t-catchers, but in denim. There were other potential candidates for an outfit including some 'narly' dress vests and mesh tops and great dresses. But happy with what I picked out, I head for the changing rooms.
For those who are unfamiliar with Value Village, everything sold here are second-hand donations sold off for cheap, cheap prices. My outfit would have cost me under $15.
And for those who don't know me, I am somewhat a germ phobic. I refuse to go bowling or skating because I will not wear public shoes. I cringed at the thought of swimming at a public pool, but do so because chlorine kills germs, right? RIGHT?!?!?

So I'm in the tiny change room starring at my goods. That's when the theme song to Jaws came on. I reach for the first item, the white top. Like RoboCop, I quickly scan the top for stains or any potential breeding ground for germs. I think I'm safe. I pull it over my head and the tears start to fall. At least it smells clean. Okay, it fits. I quickly take it off and do a little shake down.
I look at the second item, the jeans. This time I hear the theme song of Psycho while I triple-zoom in on the jeans.
I pull them up to my knees and that's when it hit me...HARD. A stench of instant sourness punched me in the face and slap me like a donkey. It was like ripe gorgonzola left in the sun for 2 days.
With instant realization like a bomb is about to blow, I rip off the jeans and flew out of the change room like a bird. All it took was a quick, "Let's go to Walmart." and we were out of there. My outfit at the end of the night, was not as exciting as it would have been. But at least my life was spared.
What did I dress up as? Homey G in baggy pants with flannel plaid boxers shorts fluffed at the waistline. The look would have been complete with a flannel botton shirt tied at the waste, but time was ticking and we haven't had dinner yet. Plus, there was no flannel in sight. It is, after all, almost summer.
After dinner and a pre-party drink, we were off.
The party was not as I expected. Not everyone wore their 92 best, but then again, neither did I. At the end of the party, I was officially a smoker of both weed and cigs. Second hand smoker that is. I say NO to cancer sticks, but cigars are okay. If I stayed in the living room of that house, well hence the title "Higher than a kite".
Best outfits of the night consisted of Dirty's camel toe jeans and her BlueJays jersey and Doc Martin wanna-be's. And this cute guy's Reebok "Pump It Up" sweatshirt with a florescent pink cap and honkin big pager! Still operation!

The best part of Saturday? Hanging with my bitches!!

VEGAS!!! Priceless Recap

Flight to Las Vegas...$220
Hotel Stay at the Venetian...$169US/night
Breakfast at Barbary Coast at 2:00am...$2.95US
Room Service...$55US
All day bus pass...$5US
Finally being able to drop the kids off at the pool on our 2nd last day...priceless

VEGAS!!! Day Five

Day Five

This morning, we were all a little hungover. Especially Siera. We were all ready to check-out. All except for the lovely Siera. She decided to take a second shower!! We all haven't even had one yet. We finally check out 20 minutes late and went to grab some last minute souvies. Las Vegas drinks are deadly, be careful. Still a little drunk and sick to the stomach, we headed for the airport already. Our trip has already come to an end. I'm so sad.
Siera, you are not the chosen one based on race!!! It's a randomized computer selection for added security check!!
In a rush to get on the plane after a long and gruesome security check with a sniff machine, we just got takeout from a diner and boarded the plane. On the plane, we had our take out of, yep you guessed it, Clam Chowder!!
On the flight home, Dirty made a new friend. She was so lonely. Thank god she had Dirty beside her. We were all so tired that the 2 hour something flight seemed like a 20 minute flight.
Back in Bellingham, we waited for our luggage at baggage claim. Well, if you call a wooden slanted plank of wood under a canopy tent baggage claim, then yeah, we were at the baggage claim. Man, it was so getto. The drive home was relaxing.

There was still a lot we wanted to do but didn't have time to accomplish. We'll just have to do them on our next Vegas trip.
I had a great time with my bitches. Thanks girls.
What goes on in Vegas, Stays in Vegas.

VEGAS!!! Day Four

Day Four

Toll house cookies are the best!! I love those crispy chewy morsels!

Today we checked out of the Venetian, and into The Aladdin. Sadly, not too long from now, it will no longer be the Aladdin. They are going to revamp this place into The Planet Hollywood Resort in 2006. Anyway, again, we get a complimentary room upgrade! We open the door to our room and although it's no Venetian, it's still pretty spectacular.
To the immediate right of the door is the living room. Immediate left, is a huge mirror beside a thick column. Next to the column, the business center. And ONE bed. Across from the bed, a tv. Beside the tv, the doorway to the bathroom.
From the doorway, immediately you see to the right a shower stall, then a soaker tub, then the seperate sh*t room. To the left, stretched all the way across the wall is the vanity. Ladies, this is absolutely a dream come true for us girls.
It's pretty obvious that this room was intended for either a married couple, or a couple ready to make their trip full of lust and mindless sex. The doorway to the bathroom which was right beside the shower stall, had no door. It is exactly what it is, a doorway. So for us girls to take a shower, we would have to create a pretty clever way to cover ourselves up. Well, not so clever, we'll just put towels up.
Our view out the window from the bed and the bathroom vanity is the huge pool deck below. It's gorgeous.
We snapped a few pics of Drew and set up camp.

Lazy must have crept into our bones because we did not want to do anything. We lounged around snacking on pretzels and Charleston Chews.
Finally, we agreed to hit the clubs! Treasure Island was featuring "Tangerine" on Wednesdays. Sounds like fun!! We all get primped in our best. Dressed to the nines, we snapped pics like the paparazzi, left a complete mess in the bathroom as well as the entire room, and headed to the clubs feeling like goddesses. What happened at this club is a seperate story. Let's just say, the girls have gone wild! The end of the night consisted of a wheelchair, a cautious cab ride back to the hotel, and drunk state of mind.
Again, we ordered room service. We were so tanked, anything would taste good. But surprisingly, unlike the Venetian, this room service was actually delicious! We ordered Motzah Ball soup, basket of fries (natch), chicken fingers, and a cheese pizza. We passed out cold before we could finish the food.
This night will forever be embedded in my mind.

VEGAS!!! Day Three

Day Three

My feet hurt. Everyone's feet hurt. Either Siera Bitch's feet really hurt, or she's really soaking in this whole Vegas trip. Everytime we turn around, she's a few feet behind us.
Last night, we again made an appearance at the fab 24-hr hot tubs. Drew came with us. The time of our lives happened here. Siera Bitch joined us this time. All us bitches were swimming and "playing" with the little fountain of fun. I think Siera had the most fun. She was in a world of her own. We made several attempts to snap her out of it by yelling her name, laughing, whistling. We had lost her to the Hare Krishna Aqua World. In this world, you give up your mind, your soul, and all your sexual desires and you wear one-piece bathing suits. A wonderful place it is. She did her little virgin dance in the water and after a whole hour or so, she was returned back to us. I wonder why she looked so exhausted? What did they do to her? I love Siera Bitch!!
Then two guys and a girl in a too-tight-for-rated-G-tv bikini trashed our Back to the Beach moment and ruled the pool. One guy, not sure which closet he came out of, said he was going to pee in the tub!! WTF?!?!? Eyes widened and looks were exchanged along with a hippity-skip out of the pool like our asses were on fire. It's because we're Asian, isn't it?? Little did he know, Mr. Bubbles also made an appearance in the pool. I'm sure more than once (am I right, Wet and Cold Bitch?!). My girls rock!!

For lunch, we visited our one and only trip to the buffet tables. I know, don't get me started...we should have done mo' buffets. At the prices the restaurants were serving, we might as well have. We stuffed our faces with colours of the rainbow. I think I was confused because I had pizza at this lunch buffet. PIZZA?!?!? I'm f*ckin' bonkers!! Yummy orzo salad and delicious bread. I know!! I am totally not a 'Get-your-money's-worth' buffet gal. I just eat what I like. And since I can't have seafood, bring on the other stuff!! I had polenta for the first time ever. I think I'm in love (sorry, Babe)! Dessert made me walk the plank, because after the pie I had, you could stick a fork in me because I was done.

After lunch, we headed towards the Outlet Mall. We spent our evening here. We shopped until the absolute last minute of mall hours. We accomplished goals here. I got some lovely shoes, a wallet, and a watch. Siera got a watch and her first "pizza feet" shoes. Wet and Cold got a fabulous SATC-style purse. And Dirty got her first strapless bra! Now those puppies will be tamed! Actually Wet and Cold and I got a little extra at the bra shop. Bra modeling from Dirty along with a little clip of "target practice" while she jumped with joy. Again, good times good times.
After the mall we headed down to the old strip and watched the laser show and briefly walked into a nudey bar. Having no clue that there was a 2 drink minimum, we just wanted to experience a real Vegas nudey bar. We got ousted like a bunch of perverts hoping to cope a feely. At least we got a glimpse of booby.
After the clock hit early am, we returned to our hotel room and once again, visited the hot tub. This time, my champagne dreams came true. What more can I ask for? Nice thick velour robe, champagne, big fat cigar, and good company!

VEGAS!!! Day Two

Day Two

The big black beetles have taken over Las Vegas!! It's seriously gross, and I mean serious. Creepy crawlies about 1" big and they fly! Gives me the shiver-me-timbers just thinking about it!

I made a list of goals I wish to achieve this week:
1. Eat until I'm content
2. Find out if alcohol appeals to me anymore
3. Find out if I really can have as much fun without the paper-bagger
4. Tan until I'm at a leather stage like the cougar in me wants to have
5. Protect my bitches from being pimp-juiced
6. Show my bitches a bitchin' good time
7. See some shows featuring healthy big boobies
8. Not be bothered by the roaches and beetles here
9. Sleep as little as possible (and not to wake up from being humped by my drunk-ass girls
10. Spend quality girl-on-girl action time w/ these fine bitches
11. SHOP my little heart out!!

I'm sure Hot Bitch 1 (AKA, Siera Bitch) had only one goal in mind at this time. That's to see how many times she can ask, "You guys want some juice? How about a pudding pak?" before we got annoyed enough to do the running man out of our hotel room.

Today we did the usual touristy things like visit each hotel and see the marvel of what each theme brought. We did a little bit of shopping, but knew to pace ourselves and save our "virgin real outlet shopping" experience for the outlet malls. We basically covered a lot of ground today. But we have yet to get a taste of Vegas margaritas! Margarita-mania shall begin tonight!

We visited the Coke Store and the M&M store. Loves it! Wet and Cold and I stuffed a foot long HOT dog down our throats. It was extremely salty, no pun intended.

When we got back to our hotel, we ordered room service. We were hooked on some of the food we've been eating. What did we order?
2 Clam Chowder Bread Bowls
1 Rye toast with butter
1 Basket of fries with Mayo (yumm)
1 Grilled Cheese Sandwich with of course, fries
Halfway through the meal, we were as turned off as watching William Shatner undress. The soup was sour and it wasn't the lemon talking. The fries were pathetic and cold. My rye toast was cold and I could have used it as a frisbee, it was so hard. The best part of the meal was the Mayo and the grilled cheese sandwich (which was made with processed cheese!! A hotel of that calibur could only afford Kraft singles? Sure it only cost $10..US!!!!!) Oh well, it was still pretty good. Hat's off to the 8 year old chef!!
I felt iffy, but the other bitches said we should call and say something. Our server was excellent and told us stories about how HE would love to see the male revue, "Thunder From Down Under" instead of "Jubilee".
Siera asked him why that is while Wet and Cold and I exchanged looks of horror and shock. Please don't make him tell us that he's gay.
Good times, good times.
The hotel comped our meal.

VEGAS!!! Day One

Day 1

Our first day of our trip to Vegas was tiring. My hot bitches and I drove to Bellingham to catch our flight to Vegas. What better way to start the trip then a little Bellis Fair shopping? Not so surprisingly, we got separated. Spent a good half hour waiting for those bitches!! We were cranky and starving. I must be getting old or something. The old me would have just said, "Oh well, we'll meet up later. They know when to meet back at the car." Instead, Hot Bitch Number 1 and I just stood around like old grandmas who got dumped for walking too slow waiting for our families to return.
Finally we got our senses smacked out of us (must have been when our stomach started to digest our intestines), and decided to eat. Who else did we bump into on our way to the food court? Hot Bitch Number 2 and 3! We ate and all was better.
Drove our asses to the airport which was a tiny little freight station which only catered public transportation to Las Vegas only. Waited to board in the tiniest waiting room. We boarded the plane through the platform (no walkway connecting to the plane doorway, I guess that was too expensive), I felt like Pretty Woman boarding her plane to the Opera. Except, I was not wearing a fabulous red gown, no gorge diamond necklace and definitely, no beautiful white gloves.
We finally arrived in Vegas at 11pm and was quick to jump on a cab to get to our long anticipated stay at the Venetian Hotel. What a gorgeous hotel. The best in my opinion. After checking in at nearly midnight, we head to our room.
It was just like a scene from Extreme Makeover, Home Edition (again. How can you tell I love this show?). Except the doors did not open by themselves, there was no camera crew, and there were no tears. Simply because, well, this room was not mine to keep. Shit. Too bad. Moving on...
It was a split level room with two luxurious beds with mini canopies. On the bed, gorgeous linens with a rock hard, long, thick roll pillow and a chaise-type chair at the end of the bed. The lower level hosted a living room with a business center. The bathroom consisted of a vanity, double sinks, soaker tub, and a shower along with a seperate sh*t-room.

Having not eaten since lunchtime, our hunger was obviously getting to the best of us, again. Hunger = cranky...NOT GOOD! So we venture off into the wild streets of the city that is full of sin and does not sleep. We finally arrive at our selected gut-fill-up station, Barbary Coast. The most satisfying meal of our trip. DING-DING! We have found a winner! 2 eggs, sausage or bacon, toast, and hashbrowns for a mere $2.95!! Can you say, "LOVES IT?!" Although the meal was cheap, our bill still came to $35. The itch and temptations of extra add-ons was too much to bear.
After a long walk exploring the city on our first day. Sleepiness has taken its toll on our bodies. Hot Bitch 1 went straight to bed, while us other Hot Bitches opted for the 24-hr hot tub. We stayed in the hot tub and watched nighttime turn to day. The only thing missing was a drink in one hand and a cigar in the other. Oh well, there's still plenty of time for that. At about 7-ish, we head back to our room and hit the showers. Well, at least I did. Hot Bitch 3, AKA "Dirty Bitch" fell asleep on the bed and Hot Bitch 2, AKA "Wet and Cold Bitch" fell asleep in the living room. This is Vegas, no time to judge. I'm just thankful I'm clean. My hair's wet. Sh*t! Like my mother always told me, "Never sleep with your hair wet, you'll get headaches!" F*ck it! There are no rules in Vegas! Besides, I'm tired and I already get migraines without the aid of the wet hair syndrome. **SNORE**

Oops. I forgot to mention "Drew". In Bellingham, we picked up a vacation mascot. But she ain't no gnome, she's a gorge Barbie doll. Plans for Drew? Get wild, get wild, get tatoos, and get drunk. And maybe a little promiscuity on the side!!